i’ve been knockin’ on that door in my sleep

alela diane’s “the rifle” is, quite simply, a song i could listen to on loop for a day or two straight and not get tired of it.

i woke and found eyes staring at me- one thousand million eyes watching my every move in the dark. i could almost feel smiles behind those eyes, just as you know when a cat is smiling at you when all you see is the dual full-moon reflections staring back at you, wide as dinner plates and as wild as a desperate man.

“i see you. i always have.”

and you don’t even need to say it, i can look into those headlights and as i freeze as the deer does moments before the collision, i recognize a small reflection of myself in you.

and i welcome the collision.

and i am nocturnal again. i stay awake until 430am simply because i can, and not for any other reason. i spend hours in my head writing and typing out what i want to mail to you.

i am writing you one million love letters in the cellar of my heart…

i am suffering from insomnia, and i do certainly and jealously wish you were as well so i can call at three am and ask you about your day and night, and you will read to me to help me sleep. i will softly hum songs to you from four hours away to help you sleep.

i am not blind;
i can see the eyes.